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Joe Jonas Might Have a Drug-Fueled Sex Tape With Some Model and We Can’t Even

Joe Jonas Blanda Eggenschwiler
Pacific Coast News

Four words to start your weekend early: Joe Jonas. Sex. Tape.

As if that combo wasn’t amusing enough on its own for a guy who once shilled purity rings to Christian parents and their children, here’s another tidbit: said tape was made with a girl named Blanda Eggenschwiler.

Which is apparently a real name and not a prank call that Bart would make on a German version of ‘The Simpsons.’ “Bland to Egg En Schwiler? Hey guys, I’m looking for a Bland to Egg En Schwiler!”

Seems according to Blind Gossip that the alleged tape will drop on April 3 and a rise in eye-gouging will also fill the local hospitals on the same day. Assuming of course that this sex tape is actually real and not just a Jonas Brothers fans’ wet dream.

The site claims the video will feature 23-year-old Joe and his girlfriend, the 28-year-old Blanda, “drinking, doing drugs, and engaging in sex using a number of sex toys and BDSM devices, including dildos, a gag ball, and a slapper paddle.”

What? No inflatable sex sheep? Amateurs.

Supposedly the sex tape was made earlier this month in Buenos Aires, Argentina, where Blanda was traveling with the JoBros while they were on tour in South America. And since the saying goes, when in South America, do as the South Americans do, they made a sex tape.

“Joe participates willingly, but seems less sure of how to use the sex toys, as well as how they will be used on him,” the internet troll and/or paid informant claims of the tape’s contents. “He does not enjoy being paddled. At one point he has had enough and cries ‘Owww! Don’t do that anymore!’”

The mole continued to explain the tape in great detail, killing us with the commentary, “Blanda is the more dominant one in the video. At one point she [REDACTED REDACTED, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY REDACTED].”

So if you like “a lot of overly dramatic screaming and moaning” along with “multiple close-up shots of Joe’s face, penis and testicles, as well as Blanda’s face, breasts, and vagina,” then this is the tape for you.

As she allegedly bragged about in the, again, alleged video of alleged-ness, “Jonas was merely a stepping stone for her … she has no interest in staying with him once the tape is out … Eggenschwiler will deny her involvement in the distribution of the tape, and will express embarrassment about its release in the hopes of avoiding a backlash from Jonas supporters.”

Buy it and you too can help Ms. Eggenschwiler with her stated goal of launching a career “like Kim Kardashian” did.

Remember when girls wanted to grow up to astronauts or princesses?

Meanwhile, Joe’s rep denies the tape’s existence, Blanda keeps teasing her Twitter followers that something exciting is coming April 3, and Joe tweeted an almost exact replica of our thought bubbles:

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