Twitter Reacts as Lance Armstrong Confesses at the Altar of Oprah

It didn’t take long after Lance Armstrong told Oprah those words everyone had been waiting years to hear — yes, he doped during his illustrious cycling career — before Twitter lit up with reactions.

When we weren’t taking shots or playing bingo, we complied some of the better tweets we saw.

When you screw up in school, you get sent to the principal’s office. When you screw up as an adult, you get sent to Oprah.

— caprice crane (@capricecrane) January 18, 2013

Forget doping. When will Lance Armstrong apologize for dating an Olsen twin?

— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) January 18, 2013

It’s pretty clear the most powerful drug Lance Armstrong abused was narcissism.

— Sean Grande (@SeanGrandePBP) January 18, 2013

The Kardashians are so jealous of the attention Lance Armstrong is getting right now that Kim’s embryo is already doping.

— shauna (@goldengateblond) January 18, 2013

Fair is fair. Lance Armstrong used performance-enhancing drugs to win the Tour de France while Oprah used him to win her time slot.

— Joan Rivers (@Joan_Rivers) January 18, 2013

If Oprah leaned back, fingering a pair of baoding balls while Stedman massaged her shoulders, she’d be an awesome Bond villain.

— Sarah Thyre (@SarahThyre) January 18, 2013

America. Where we hold doping bikers to a higher standard than the bankers who cost us 8 million jobs.

— LOLGOP (@LOLGOP) January 18, 2013

As I understand it, after years of maintaining he was House Gryffindor, Lance Armstrong has admitted to being Slytherin all along.

— John Scalzi (@scalzi) January 18, 2013

I wonder if Lance Armstrong has sent Manti Te’o flowers and a thank you card yet.

— Soap Box Liberal (@GPappalardo) January 18, 2013

Bad day: Spent it on a 787 Dreamliner with Lance Armstrong and Manti Te’o’s ex girlfriend.

— Steve Martin (@SteveMartinToGo) January 18, 2013

Seven Lucky Oprah Guests Find Tour De France Titles Under Their Chairs | More Lance Armstrong News: onion.com/SG3qHQ

— The Onion (@TheOnion) January 18, 2013